So I have autism. Even without a diagnosis, people consider me special needs and start wondering how to cater to it or how they can ignore it without me noticing. A benefit of autism is that I will notice, no matter what.

I notice jokes said and immediately shrugged off.

I notice anger put aside to maintain calm among a group of people.

I notice people making little sacrifices in public, for the public, that go unnoticed.

I have noticed these since I was conscious of the world.

I decided that I won’t do them. I won’t cater to people, so I try to be myself. I don’t put anger aside, partly because I can’t, and partly because I shouldn’t have to hide myself in a closet until the world tells me it’s ok. The world will never tell you it’s ok.

Special needs kids get care and attention, but they also grow up. Somehow, they get married, and if they aren’t as special needs as some others, they manage to cope. Their spouses adjust lifestyles and expectations and give encouragement when felt necessary. Meanwhile, the feeling we had as a child as parents realized our weirdness and figured out how to handle it comes back and we realize it’s not a real relationship. We will be catered to our entire lives, because it’s a battle.

A battle between my “needs” and my reality I want to be living

It’s a choice to step out of those “needs” and realize life isn’t as hard after all.

As you start to cope and grow outside your world, those “needs” hit you with a ton of bricks.

Not sure how to handle this, but it’s my reality. Again, twenty thoughts all competing for their opinion in this post, but that basically sums up my reality. Opinions competing for attention, not one winning and getting chosen. Opinions getting to run the show and keep me quiet as no one understands the jumble that comes out when they all fight for top billing.

Maybe you figured out how to deal with me, but I haven’t figured out how to deal with me.